Communication Problems
by Sockless Moose
Summary: Someone puts a spell on Harry!  And now he can only say two lines, 1 Someone needs a hug! and 2 That’s my job!  Chaos ensues.
1. The Beginning

Someone puts a spell on Harry! And now he can only say two lines, 1) Someone needs a hug! and 2) That's my job! Chaos ensues.

--

One morning, as Harry, Ron, and Hermione were walking down to breakfast, a sinister figure waved their wand a cast a spell on Harry. The figure cackled menacingly, but no one noticed. Ron and Hermione were snogging and Harry was trying to ignore them.

They sat down to breakfast and started to eat. When Hermione saw the Daily Prophet, she gasped. "It says that Fudge was killed by Voldemort last night! That's awful!"

Harry opened his mouth, but instead of saying, "Hey, no one likes Fudge anyway", something else came out of his mouth.

"Hey, that's my job." A sudden hush came over people near them.

"What?!"

--

After the "Fudge Incident", which included mass panic, food fights, and strange conjurations of giant purple clouds, which were poisonous and sent many people to the Hospital Wing, Harry, Ron and Hermione went to Transfiguration.

"Today we will be turning tea kettles into… lemon drops?" Professor McGonagall shook her head and muttered, "No, scratch that, we'll be turning them into bunnies. Now, as you know, this type of transfiguration is _extremely_ dangerous, and anyone caught fooling around will leave. Is that understood?"

Harry leaned over to whisper something to Ron, but ended up saying, in a loud, normal voice, "Someone needs a hug."

Professor McGonagall glared at him. "Mr. Potter! Five points from Gryffindor!" The Slytherins snickered, and the Gryffindors glared at him.

They carried on with their transfigurations, but halfway through the period, something exploded. It wasn't merely a spell gone wrong, though. It was…

"Death Eaters attacking! Oh my God! We're going to die!" McGonagall screamed, running out of the classroom. The students ran after her, but towards the action, not into a broom closet, like their professor.

Hmm. Interesting. I guess Snape was scared too, because he ran towards the _exact same broom closet…_

After a long, bloody battle, it was over. The Death Eaters had gone, leaving many dead and wounded. Part of the school had caved in, and many priceless paintings had been destroyed. In the middle of the carnage, Harry Potter stood calmly.

"I think _everyone_ needs a hug."

--

The next day, Rufus Scrimgeour came to Hogwarts to talk to Dumbledore, and requested that Harry come along too. Harry was happy because he got to miss Transfiguration, which wouldn't have been too pleasant after what had happened last class. Dumbledore was not happy because he only had cinnamon-flavored drops instead of lemon drops. Oh well.

Scrimgeour was talking. "… Harry, the world is expecting you to aid the Ministry in fighting He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!" The world needs you to stand up! As Minister, I hereby order you to publicly help the Ministry in this fight!"

Dumbledore was about to intervene, but Harry, who was preparing to say, "No way, Jose", instead uttered something quite different.

"_Someone_ needs a hug."

Everyone froze. Dumbledore and Scrimgeour looked at Harry strangely.

Dumbledore tried to ease the tension. "Lemon drop, anyone?" Scrimgeour accepted one, but, because they were actually cinnamon-flavored, they were very, very spicy.

"Hot! Water!" He ran around the room like a headless chicken with vocal chords, screaming for water, until Dumbledore drenched him with water, making him soaking wet.

Harry pouted. "That's my job."

--

That night, Harry and Ginny happened to be looking at Ron and Hermione as they started snogging once again. Ginny remarked, "That's sick. It's sick watching my brother snog my best friend, don't you think, Harry?"

Harry, who _still_ hadn't learned to be quiet, said, "That's _my_ job."

Ginny was dumbfounded. "Harry, do you like Hermione? I thought you liked me! I thought we were a couple!" She broke out in sobs.

Panicking, Harry tried to explain… "Someone needs a hug!" Ginny, furious, slapped him and ran to her dormitory.

It just wasn't his day.

--

Continue? Yes? No? Please let me know!


	2. In Which Voldemort is Confused

Chapter 2: In Which Voldemort is confused

The spell on Harry had not worn off, but it had weakened slightly, leaving room for variations in the two statements. The sinister figure laughed evilly. With these variations, more chaos would be caused!

--

Harry, still oblivious to the fact that anything was wrong, went about his day as normal the next day.

At breakfast, Dumbledore stood up to make a speech. The castle and its inhabitants were still recovering from the Death Eater attack the day before. Dumbledore cleared his throat, popped a lemon drop in his mouth…

…and started choking, forgetting, yet again, that the lemon drops had been replaced with cinnamon-flavored ones.

After hacking, drinking copious amounts of water, and getting Snape, who was the nearest professor, to do the Heimlich, Dumbledore once again cleared his throat, not noticing that by now, he had lost all the respect of everyone in the room.

"As you know, Hogwarts was attacked yesterday." Snickers were heard from the Slytherin table. "Many fine people were lost in the attack. Let's all have a moment of silence for the fallen."

It would have been a nice gesture, except for the unfortunate timing of the house-elves. They chose at that moment to clear the tables with a loud "pop!" Giggles broke out all over the Great Hall, and Dumbledore decided to end the moment of silence to prevent further mishap.

"Anyway, we still have hope! Many Death Eaters were wounded, dealing Lord Voldemort—" gasps from everyone "—a terrible blow! This is a great victory for the Light!"

Harry stood up, and students and teachers alike went silent, waiting for words of wisdom. Harry looked around, his gaze finally settling on Dumbledore.

"Voldemort needs a hug."

--

By lunch, a new club had been formed at Hogwarts. The "Aid Lord Voldemort" sign hung up in a corner of the Great Hall had only three lone figures standing around it: Harry, and the unwilling Ron and Hermione.

"Harry, this is crazy. We shouldn't be supporting Voldemort! No one wants to join! No one is crazy enough to join!" Hermione whispered frantically. "They'll only join us if we brainwash them, or something!"

Harry smiled at her and nodded. "That's my job!"

Hermione and Ron gaped at him. "What?!"

Harry took out his wand and waved it casually at Dumbledore. The next second, the Headmaster was talking to the student population.

"I'm sure that many of you feel horrible about hurting Death Eaters yesterday. So, instead of classes, we're all going to stay here and write an apology letter to Voldemort! Everyone," and here he glared, "must write a _personal_ message. We'll send it tonight!" He beamed.

Harry also smiled, and looked at Hermione and Ron, and then at everyone else. They were all staring at him, doing a remarkably accurate imitation of a fish. Without the scales, of course.

--

Voldemort was understandably confused the next day when he received a giant letter the next day, complete with chocolate. On the front was a huge "Sorry for your loss!" and smiley faces. In disbelief, he opened the card and read a few of the messages inside.

'Dear…. Um…. You-know-who…. Sorry? Uh, yeah… sorry we killed some Death Eaters? Um… have a nice day?...'

--

'My dearest Lord Voldemort,

On behalf of all of Hogwarts, I apologize for being a meanie. I was very disrespectful of your Death Eaters' feelings and hope there's no hard feelings. I have sent a box of chocolates along as well. I hope you like dark chocolate!

Most sincerely,

Albus Dumbledore'

--

'Hi… mister dark lord? We're, uh… sorry about your loss? Hope you feel better…. soon…'

--

'Dear Voldemort,

You need a hug, and that's my job! You'll get a hug, because it's my job to give hugs!

Sincerely,

Harry Potter'

--

Voldemort only had one thought running through his mind, and it wasn't along the lines of "what the heck?" He was thinking,

"Hmm. Quite good chocolate."

--

What did you think? Please review:)


End file.
